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El Misterioso
Relationship to you: Who knows? Unless you forgot meeting a Mr. “Buck Fuddy” who looks exactly like Freddy Krueger, their profile is entirely made up.
Typical behavior: Posting cryptic info like “Religion: beer” and “Relationship status: your Mom”
Unfriend if: Their friends list is riddled with names like “Sharon Needles” and “Wendy Nailer.”
The Liker
Relationship to you: A friend of a friend
Typical behavior: Post a joke about your kids? They “like” it. Cute cat picture? They “like” it. Awful video from office karaoke party? “Like.” Announcement about adult softball league tryouts? “Like.”
Unfriend if: They “like” a link to a news story about highway fatalities increasing around the holidays.
The Passive Crusader
Relationship to you: Coworker from three jobs ago who you once foolishly discussed politics with
Typical behavior: Attempts to save the world by posting news links with sarcastic quips like “Your tax dollars at work!”
Unfriend if: They favorite works by Rascal Flatts, Ayn Rand, or Slavoj Žižek. Or they give politicians nicknames like “Obummer” and “Representative John Boner.”
Blast From the Past
Relationship to you: An acquaintance from high school—the sort of person that you would’ve lost touch with in the good old pre-Internet days
Typical behavior: Uploading vintage photos of you acting like a drunken fool at a Mötley Crüe concert or wearing a “$how Me the Money” T-shirt
Unfriend if: You spend more than 10 minutes untagging yourself in their uploads. Or if they post a pic of you with a mullet.
The Patient
Relationship to you: You disappointed them once. But everyone does. And they forgive you.
Typical behavior: Reports back to the outside world from within a fort made of self-help books. Posts nauseating inspirational aphorisms like, “Honesty is the best scouring powder” and “Today’s goal: Make friends with the person in the mirror,” which inexplicably get liked by dozens of people.
Unfriend if: Do it. Now.
Your Mom
Relationship to you: Your mom
Typical behavior: Chides you for using profanity in posts. Fills your wall with updates on your cousin’s hernia surgery, jokes she used to forward from her Hotmail account, and urgent warnings about stuff that Snopes debunked in 1998.
Unfriend if: Unfriending is useless. Cancel your account. Start a new profile using a pseudonym like “Buck Fuddy.”
Illustrations by Matt Kindt
Authors:
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