Every year, thousands of writers publish books. And every year, you are not one of them. How can you rectify this great injustice? Well, you could finish that hard-SF epic that’s languishing in your filing cabinet. Or you could just write a review trashing the work of someone who has actually written a book. (How dare he! That adulation was supposed to be for you!) If it’s vicious enough, your prose might make that smug prick staring at you from the back of his book jacket think twice before ever writing another word.

To become a ninja in the silent art of the hatchet job, we turned to the shady cabal behind the @FakeAPStylebook Twitter feed. Their new book, Write More Good, includes tips on everything from celebrity profiles to tech journalism. (“Imagine you’re in college and you have a single term paper you can turn in again and again and always get a passing grade on—that’s technology writing.”) Here are some of their pointers on wringing gold from bile.

• 1/ Get mad.
  The reader needs to believe you really hate this writer, so don’t be afraid to tap into that keg of compressed rage you call a soul. Think: Who does this writer remind you of most? How about that bearded jackass in the writing workshop who ended up dating that cute girl you liked? Oh my God, that is exactly who he is like. That son of a bitch.
• 2/ Get personal.
  Do your research. Is the author a recovering alcoholic? Casual asides about the writer’s “well-documented social life” will make your audience chuckle knowingly and drive your victim to call his sponsor. Later, send him a case of wine as an “apology.”
• 3/ Break out the buzzwords.
  If you’re going to throw acid on a published work, you’ll need to do so with style. Season your takedown with mots justes like “cancer eating away at the world of contemporary letters,” “hack sentimentality,” “creeping misogyny,” and “bucket of warm assholes.”
• 4/ Find a contrarian platform to publish you.
  Try The Atlantic. You could also do Slate.
• 5/ Become a culture hero.
  All major works are received with an unchanging pattern: critical acceptance, followed by rejection. If you time it just right, your hit piece could herald the beginning of the backlash phase! But don’t procrastinate. You have only about two weeks before the counter-backlash begins.
• 6/ Reap your reward.
  Stand a little straighter knowing you have felled a literary giant with your poison pen. Maybe now your ex will start taking your calls. Maybe now you can see Chloe more than twice a month. Maybe.