It was I who revealed that “Hillary Clinton” sounds kind of like “Halliburton” if you say it with a mouth full of marshmallows. It was I who proved that President Barack Obama was born in low orbit, and thus is not technically an earthling. I was the one who first broke the news that Sarah Palin’s children are all named after sled dogs.

Recently, my revelations have dealt with international relations. For instance, I have leaked e-mails showing that Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan are in fact the same damn country. I’ve proven that Switzerland does not have four different languages, but instead everyone speaks heavily accented Simlish. I’ve revealed that China has plans to infiltrate the United States with millions of rogue toaster ovens.

Everyone knows that you can’t make an omelet without stepping on a few toes, especially those who come to my brunch parties. I’ve made countless enemies, a few friends, about 50 Twitter followers and one latex sex mannequin. Unfortunately, the enemies are the only ones in positions of power, except when I dress the mannequin up as Janet Napolitano.

I can’t tell you what my myriad enemies have done to me, much less define “myriad.” As I write this, I am hiding out in the only place I know nobody will look for me: a screening of Jonah Hex.

How will they bring me down? The most likely method is hiring a beautiful double agent to seduce me and convince me to let down my defenses so that she can kill me with her secret deadly pleasure techniques — in which case, yay. It’s also possible that they have attempted to buy my silence with a life of unending wealth and comfort, in which case please ignore this letter.

But if they try to take me down by uglier means, like trained packs of those hairless Chinese dogs, then justice demands that I reveal the darkest of the secrets I have collected, those that I have selflessly held back to save my own skin.

The World’s Darkest Secrets

Here are the true horrors of the world in which we live:

• Google results are actually determined by an international consortium of financiers and dictators with a vested interest in controlling what people see when they type “sneezing panda.”

• HIV was first introduced to human populations by a team of CIA research scientists who were also promiscuous, drug-using chimpanzees.

• The first five moon landings were fake, and were actually filmed in the hollowed-out center of the Earth by the Ascended Masters of the Gopher Folk. The only legitimate moon trip was the sixth, which causes a lot of tension when Neil Armstrong and Apollo 17 commander Eugene Cernan end up at the same fund-raiser, let me tell you.

• JFK was killed by Jack Ruby. I mean duh!

• They keep changing the marshmallow shapes in Lucky Charms just so you’ll buy the cereal.

• High-altitude aircraft are, on orders from the government, releasing dangerous chemicals into the air that, if ingested, make you come up with crazy conspiracy theories.

• Global warming is a fraud perpetrated by glaciers who just want attention.

• The European Union is the result of a conspiracy among certain political leaders looking for a way to facilitate travel and trade among the participating countries by unifying currency and standardizing commercial statutes.

• Hot Pockets should just be called Pockets. They’re not hot! You have to make them hot!

Now that I’ve unleashed these gibbering, screaming truth goblins upon the world, I expect that humanity will rise up as one and say, “Whoa, hey, they really control everything, don’t they? I guess we’re kind of screwed.” Then they will sit down as one, crack open another six of Coke Zero as one, and probably play some Halo.

‘Cause they got me, right? What chance do you losers have?

Sincerely,

Spencil Borchard

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a birther, a truther and a zither.

See Also:

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• Alt Text: The Secret Diary of Sentient Kinect
• Alt Text: 5 Flash Games That Hate You

Authors: Lore Sjöberg

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