Dimanche 25 Septembre 2022
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Vendredi, 16 Septembre 2011 12:00

Gaming's Great Dictators Campaign for Office

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  • 12:30 pm  | 
  • Wired September 2011

Morning Again in Hyrule


Ganon, aka Dark Beast, Prince of Darkness, King of Evil (Legend of Zelda)

Campaign Platform

Reform Health Care: The elderly shall receive bonus heart containers at no charge.

Establish a Banking System: Since you people seem intent on storing your precious gems in fragile pots and the tall grass.

Improve Defense: We will no longer leave maps of our dungeons lying around for anyone to find, and puzzles will be made even more fiendishly difficult.

1-Up Mushrooms For All


Bowser, aka King Koopa (Super Mario Bros.)

Campaign Platform

Open the Transit System: Make green pipes accessible to Koopa Troopas and Goombas, as well as pestilential Italian plumbers!

Grant Freedom for All: Except for princesses. No freedom whatsoever for them.

Abolish Star Power: Too long have we feared the rampages of temporarily invincible enemies using this unfair boost. (The accompanying leitmotif adds insult to injury.)

Protect the Environment: Especially carnivorous piranha plants and venus fire traps.

Innovation for Magnificent Victory


Dr. “Ivo” Robotnik, aka Dr. Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog)

Campaign Platform

Uplift the Military: Construct giant death machines to slay the fascist running dogs (and hedgehogs).

Venerate Antimaterialism: Those who greedily collect gold rings will be reeducated.

Set Speed Limits: Immediately abolish all red sneakers, as well as the practice of rolling up into a ball to blast through loop-de-loops.

Launch Glorious Five-Year Plan: Win console war, proceed to next level.

Illustrations: Matt Taylor


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